||[Jun. 12th, 2005|11:37 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
Sorry I haven't updated it a while. What with Chad and Ashley and Danielle here. Yeah, that's right. They're here. They got here a few days ago actually. We all went out to dinner tonight. Ty even went with us even though he's not completlly better yet. He's been staying away from the baby though 'cause he doesn't want to get her sick. Which is nice of him :O) Daniel on the other hand is having a blast with his granddaughter. Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other makes me worried that it's going to bring up the whole baby issue again. I'm still paranoid that he's going to leave me again. Maybe it's his midlife crises...his wanting a kid. I don't know...I mean it is a little early for him to be having a midlife crises isn't? Well, whatever it is I hope he's content with NOT having kids. Because I definitly don't want any. For one, it would be so hard to raise a kid and continue to go back to school. For two, Daniel still doesn't have a steady job. He will in the fall, but I don't want to raise a kid while living in my bestfriends' basement! And the third and probubly most important reason is that I don't want to be a gay father.
Sure, I was a "gay father" before when I had Chad. But I was still in the closet and I didn't have a boyfriend...I was married to his mother after all. And then after we divorced...well, let's just say I didn't really see him grow up. I miss that. I wish I had. It just didn't seem right. At least to his mother. She wanted me out of his life after she found out I was gay. I guess you can't really blame her. It was the 80s after all and she was mad at being lied too. I could go on about this all day. I don't even know what kind of father I'd be. Daniel says I'd be a great dad, but I wasn't that great of a dad to Chad. Maybe I just wasn't given the chance since his mom ran off with him and didn't tell me where they were. Maybe if they had staied I would have been a great dad. And then maybe Chad wouldn't have run off and gotten married and had his own kid so early. He's only 20 for godsake. At least he waited a little longer than I did!
Why did I get married so soon? I guess I was just hiding from who I really was. I mean, at the time, when it all happened it wasn't like being gay was "cool" or "popular"...not that it is now, but in some circles it can be. I was 18, fresh out of high school. No one telling me no. I was stupid...she was...well, I don't want to say stupid, but she was in love...which is very close to being stupid I guess. ::sigh::
I should go. Daniel's calling for me to come to bed. And I am tired.