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Honorary Gay Man

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Am I Being Selfish? [Jun. 14th, 2005|03:16 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |Elton John--Suit of Wolves]


Work was interesting today. I was talking to Denis during lunch (he's one of the only guys at work that I talk to about my personal life) and I told him the whole issue with me and Ka.

He doesn't think I should leave. He says if it's something special and we love each other then we should be able to work it out. I'm just afraid that this whole issue is too big to work out. Am I being selfish?

But I guess I should be honest. It's not just the whole baby issue that's bothering me. Ever since I came back things have just been different between me and Ka. For example, we don't talk any more. And when I kiss him the fire isn't there like it used to be. Maybe it's 'cause we've been together for so long...things just fizzle out. But I don't want to be with someone if there's no fire. Is that too much to ask for? Seriessly is it? I mean do my parents feel like they did when they first met? I doubt it. But is that right? I mean, what is the point of a relationship if you don't feel love anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I love Ka. I love him like you love a member of the family. Because you're supposed to. Because your used to them. Because they're there and you don't want anything bad to happen to them. Because you don't hate them. But I'm afraid that I'm falling out of love.

Sure, we have sex all the time. But it just doesn't feel the same. The reason I'm always on him for sex is because I'm trying to stay connected to him. But it's not working. I can't seem to please him anymore for that matter. When we finish he just rolls over and goes to bed.

When I left I wasn't happy 'cause I didn't have Ka. Now I have him and I'm still not happy. What's wrong with me? I've got what every one wants and I'm not happpy.

It's almost 2 in the morning...I should go to bed...