|What's The Point?
||[Jun. 24th, 2005|04:39 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
I know, I know. I haven't posted in a while, and no, I haven't been busy or anything. I've just been, well, deppressed. And it's not really over Daniel 'cause I don't really miss him since right before he left he was actting like an ass hole. I'm deppressed over my life in general. Much better huh?
What I mean is that a year ago I had my life all planed out and it was, well, not perfict...but near to it. I had a man who loved me and I loved back, I was reunited with my son and he had a baby on the way, I was going to school with a plan...an idea at least. And now it just seems to have all gone to hell. I'm living in the basement of my best friends' house for one thing. I still have my granddaughter and my son...that's all still well. But school...I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Before the plan was Daniel was going to teach and I'd be able to be a struggling author. Now I'll have to be a struggling author without the back up support of Daniel's job.
I don't know if I'm explaining this right. It's all so jumbled up in my head right now anyway. Basically, how am I going to support myself now that Daniel's gone? I mean, the grocery store can't do it all. Not unless I got a supper fat raise, and even then it'd be a strech. I'm 36 years old and I have no plan any more. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how to go about it. I can't live off of Ron and Ty forever. Even though I know they'd let me, I just couldn't do that with a clean conscience.
I normally get like this over the summer anyway: wondering if I've made the right decisons with my life and stuff...but this summer is just worse than normal. Like I haven't been writing like I used to. It's not that I have writer's block...I've got a tone of ideas, it's just that I don't have the motivation right now. What's the point, you know? It'll never get published anyway. ::sigh:: I'm just driving myself deeper and deeper into a hole. I think I'm going to shut up before I get to the point where I start to cry.