||[Jun. 18th, 2005|12:22 am]
Honorary Gay Man
|||||Elton John--In Neon||]|
Well, tonight is the first night of many that will be spent alone in my bed. My nice big bed that will feel so empty without Daniel. But I should be used to this, right? I mean he really hadn't been back all that long before he left me again. So it should feel just like before. Not to bad...yeah right.
It would be that way if what happened last night hadn't happened. What happened? I hate to even say it. But it happened so I can't pretend it didn't. We had sex. I don't know why, don't ask...I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to have sex with him. To feel that power one last time...but that doesn't mean we should have...or that he even wanted to. I mean, why would he have wanted to if everything he's been saying about me lately is true? Stuff like I don't do it for him anymore and that he doesn't feel a fire when he kisses me. What would be the point? Why wast all that energy? If it was a favor to me, well, don't bother. Maybe he was just trying to make sure leaving was the right thing to do...but it just made me feel worse. I mean, now I'm going to miss him even more. Damn it. Why'd we have to do that last night?? I was all ready to forget about him, and then that. ::sigh::
But he's gone now, and there's nothing I can do about it. I tried crying for him, I tried begging him, I tried reasoning with him, I even tried reverse psycology with him ("maybe you should go then...") nothing worked. I guess he really does want/need to leave. Too bad I really want/need him to stay.