|Letter To My Father
||[Sep. 6th, 2005|12:34 am]
Honorary Gay Man
|||||Savage Garden--Chained To You||]|
So I've been talking to Ron a lot about what's been going on with me and Jack and the news about my dad. I've got so many things I would like to say to my dad, but I can't 'casue he's dead. I meantioned this to Ron and he suggested that I write my dad a letter saying everything I wish I could tell him if he were still alive.
I'm going to try that now:
If I had known would it have made a difference? Would I have loved you less? More? I was only 13. I didn't know about myself, so how would I have taken the news about you?
I understand what you went through. I went through it too. I just wish you could have been around to help me. Or would you have helped me? Jack tells me you were ashamed of who you were. Would you have told me to hide?
I'm happy with my life, and I only wish you had been happy with yours. You did nothing wrong by loving Jack. Look inside, you know it made you happy. And isn't that what's important in life? I could take peoples' judgements about my relationship with the man I love and be ashamed...but I don't. I look in my heart and I see that love is right. Not judgment. I wish I could have told you these things. I wish we could have talked about all this. Maybe one day...
Jack loved...no...loves you still. Don't ever be ashamed of that. He cared for you when you were sick, not mom. He let you live with him when you had no place to go, not mom. What does that tell you about love?
I don't know what else to say dad. I love you. I'm not ashamed of you. But I understand the hell you went through. I went through it too. Maybe it's the times...but I was able to come through it. You had to deal with a lot more stigma than I do. Although it's not completly gone. You had to deal with the stigma of AIDS too. Something I completly understand.
To know that you died of the thing that will one day kill me is heart breaking. Heart breaking to know you had to go through everything I've gone through and so much more as medicine and treatments weren't what they are now. And heart breaking to know that maybe if I had known your story mine would be different. Not the gay part. That's as much a part of me as my brown hair and blue eyes. But the AIDS...maybe I could have avoided it if I had known.
I'm not blaming you. I was only 13...more than likely I wouldn't have understood then. It's only everything I've been through since you've been gone that has made me able to understand now.
One day I'll see you again. One day, hopefully not too soon...but I'm afraid it'll be sooner than I'd like it to be. Does it hurt to die? Or is it peaceful? I don't want to find out. But I know I will one day, weither it be sooner or later, I know I'll find out.
Dad, I'm scared. I wish you were here to tell me it will be okay.