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Honorary Gay Man

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I'm Still Angry [Sep. 28th, 2005|05:28 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |Tracy Chapman--Cold Feet]

Ty--

Ron wants us to go visit my mom on our way home from New Jersey...not that it's exactally on the way...but since neither of us have any commitments to anything else I don't really have an excuse not to go.

Except that I don't want to see her.

Is that wrong?

I'm still mad at the whole thing. The whole not telling me about who my dad really was and what really killed him. I'm still mad at the fact that she kicked him out of the house when she found out. I'm still mad that she *still* hasn't told my sisters.

I told all of this to Ron, and he thinks I need to talk to her. And while I'm there I can talk to my sisters and tell them too...wethor my mom wants me to or not. So, that's kinda getting me wanting to go. That last part, not the talking to my mom.

I mean, if she felt that way about Dad when she found out he was gay...what does that mean she thinks about me?? I mean, she seems okay with it...with Ron...and with my illness...but how can I be so sure when she fucking kicked my dad out of the house when he was dying?? How can I go and stay in her home and sleep in her guest room and eat in her kitchen when she could very well be looking at me and Ron in complet disgust? Maybe I'm over-reacting...but I honestly don't think I am.

But I guess I'll be going to see them. When we leave here...which will be in a few days still. Ron wants to stay until Jim's mother arrives at least. Then we'll probubly be on our way. And she's supposed to get here on Friday.

--Ty
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Speak Up!! [Sep. 26th, 2005|11:27 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |Eve6--Open Road Song]

From The Author:

okay all...here's your chance...speak now...I want to know what you want more of.  What will make you comment.  What do you want to read about in the lives of Ka, Daniel, Ty and Ron?  I want to know. 

Thank you...that is all :O)

 

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Teacher's Pet [Sep. 26th, 2005|11:11 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |John Popper--Growing In Dirt]

Ka--

Things are all very strange.

I went to the "writing confrence" and ha ha...joke was on me. I was the only one there besides Jordan...

He told me he made the whole thing up so he could see me, then realzied how silly that was but didn't care 'cause he knew I wouldn't go see him any other way. Which, I guess would be true. If he had asked me out on a date (which is what it turned out to be) I would have flat out refussed. Not that I don't like him...I think I do...I'm not sure...it's just that he's my teacher for crying out loud.

But in terms of the date, at first it was real uncomfertable. I didn't know what to do 'casue I hadn't perpaired myself at all for it. Jordan ordered some Chines food and while we waited for it to get there we made some small talk...but it was all very, um...tense.

Then he just came right out and said, "Ka...I like you." Then got all shy and he blushed. In all honesty it was cute.

I said to him that I was his student...I couldn't be anything more than that. It just wouldn't be a good idea. But Jordan kept pushing it. He said he would just like to see me again, a few times...see if there's anything there and then we could figure out what to do.

I agreed. I don't know why. Was I caught up in the moment? Do I really like him? I don't know. But I'm going out with him again on Wednesday...after class. So yeah, I have to go through class pretending that I'm just a student...when I know he's probably undressing me in his head while he teaches.

Why do I always get myself into these situations??

--Ka
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Making Up For Lost Time [Sep. 25th, 2005|12:20 am]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |Elton John--Your Song]

Ron--

Well, we made it to New Jersey...just in time too. Jim (my friend, who's sick) was released from the hospital because he's refusing to do the chemo any more. He says he's tired of fighting and he's ready for whatever's next. That makes me really sad...for me, but I understand what he means...I guess.

When Tony was really sick...and I mean REALLY sick, he felt like he just couldn't do it any more and he was "ready." They always use that word, "ready." Maybe one day I'll be "ready" to let these people go from my lives. Right now I'm not.

So Jim had this big party. He said it was sorta like a birthday party, only he was celebrating his entire life, not just the past year. I really admire the way he's handling all of this. I haven't heard him complain once.

::Sigh:: I just wish I had spent more time with him. We all get wrapped up in our own lives and forget about the people who helped us become who we are now. I've known Jim forever...since college...he never got married...he never found the right girl for him I guess. That always made me sad...that he never got to feel what I've felt. I think everyone diserves to feel love like I have at least once in their lives.

But, anyway, it's late. Ty and I are going over to Jim's tomorrow for lunch and to watch a movie or two. He doesn't have much longer...I want to make up for lost time.

--Ron
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Perhaps... [Sep. 20th, 2005|03:09 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |Ruffus Wainwright--Foolish Love]

Ka--

So I had a confrience with Prof. Alan the the other day...and I'm definitly getting some vibes.

Okay, he kept complamenting me on my writing...and then on other things too. Like my jacket and stuff. Random weird stuff. Then he told me that he holds this writing confress once a week on Wednesdays and that I should come with some of my stuff and join in. He said it's real informal and relaxed...I don't know. I think I will. It'd be a good opertunity, and I do like Prof. Alan...in a friend way at least. And so what if something was to come of it? It could be a good thing...

--Ka
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To New Jersey! [Sep. 19th, 2005|02:52 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |Ani Difranco--As Is]

Ty--

I haven't talked to my mom since this whole thing about my father happened. I just don't know what to say to her. I'm angry that she kicked dad out of the house when she found out she was sick, and I'm even angrier that she kept me and my sisters away from him when he was dying. But at the same time I can't help but understand her reasoning behind her decisions.

On another note, I've been spending a lot of time with Jack...maybe a little too much...I think Ron's getting jelouse! It's funny to me really. Jack's like the father I never had...and well, maybe Ron thought he was. But I've never looked at Ron as a father figure...only as a lover and companion and friend. Just because he's older doens't mean he's a father figure. And besides, I think it would be strange to look at him that way considering what our relationship actually is.

But in a few days Ron and I are heading to New Jersey to visit a friend of his who's really sick. He's got cancer (I don't remember what kind though) and they're not sure he's going to last much longer. So Ron and are going up there to see him. I've never met him before. He's an old friend of Ron and Tony's back in the days before I was born...I'm a little nervious about going, I'm afraid I'll feel like an outsider, not knowing anyone and Ron seeing all his old friends. A bunch of them are going up there this week for the same reason. The guy who's sick, (Jim) is real optimisic about all of this, and he was the one who wanted everyone to come up. He knows he's dying and he's calling it his "last ha-rah" I do admire him for that. I don't think I could ever look death so squarly in the eye.

So, yeah, that's what's going on.

--Ty
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Professor Alan... [Sep. 12th, 2005|10:54 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[Current Music |R.E.M.--Animal]

Ka--

So it's been a few days. Boy I say that a lot. But school's just been so busy so far. I have really great classes...and teachers....

Speaking of great teachers. There's this one. Prof. Alan (Alan's his last name...his first name is Jordan if you care). I had a conference with him today about one of my papers. It was a one on one conferecne...and well, let me just say I was getting some vibes from him.

I always had a feeling he was gay. In his office he had a rainbow mouse pad. Since the first day of glass I thought he was extreamly handsome. But I didn't think he saw me as anything more than a studnet.

That's all he might think of me as. I don't know. We were talking about my paper and he suggested that we could get together some time to go over it more in depth. And maybe that's all he ment. Maybe I'm reading into it 'cause I want there to be something there.

But do I?

He's a great teacher...it's a great class...I'm probubly reading too much into it. It's hard when you're the same age as the teacher! Hell, he might not even know that I'm gay...

Maybe I'll take him up on the offer...I could use the help on the paper, so if nothing else I'll get that :O) Yeah...guess I'll go email him....Prof. Alan :O)

--Ka
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Letter To My Father [Sep. 6th, 2005|12:34 am]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |Savage Garden--Chained To You]

Ty--

So I've been talking to Ron a lot about what's been going on with me and Jack and the news about my dad. I've got so many things I would like to say to my dad, but I can't 'casue he's dead. I meantioned this to Ron and he suggested that I write my dad a letter saying everything I wish I could tell him if he were still alive.

I'm going to try that now:

Dear Dad,
If I had known would it have made a difference? Would I have loved you less? More? I was only 13. I didn't know about myself, so how would I have taken the news about you?

I understand what you went through. I went through it too. I just wish you could have been around to help me. Or would you have helped me? Jack tells me you were ashamed of who you were. Would you have told me to hide?

I'm happy with my life, and I only wish you had been happy with yours. You did nothing wrong by loving Jack. Look inside, you know it made you happy. And isn't that what's important in life? I could take peoples' judgements about my relationship with the man I love and be ashamed...but I don't. I look in my heart and I see that love is right. Not judgment. I wish I could have told you these things. I wish we could have talked about all this. Maybe one day...

Jack loved...no...loves you still. Don't ever be ashamed of that. He cared for you when you were sick, not mom. He let you live with him when you had no place to go, not mom. What does that tell you about love?

I don't know what else to say dad. I love you. I'm not ashamed of you. But I understand the hell you went through. I went through it too. Maybe it's the times...but I was able to come through it. You had to deal with a lot more stigma than I do. Although it's not completly gone. You had to deal with the stigma of AIDS too. Something I completly understand.

To know that you died of the thing that will one day kill me is heart breaking. Heart breaking to know you had to go through everything I've gone through and so much more as medicine and treatments weren't what they are now. And heart breaking to know that maybe if I had known your story mine would be different. Not the gay part. That's as much a part of me as my brown hair and blue eyes. But the AIDS...maybe I could have avoided it if I had known.

I'm not blaming you. I was only 13...more than likely I wouldn't have understood then. It's only everything I've been through since you've been gone that has made me able to understand now.

One day I'll see you again. One day, hopefully not too soon...but I'm afraid it'll be sooner than I'd like it to be. Does it hurt to die? Or is it peaceful? I don't want to find out. But I know I will one day, weither it be sooner or later, I know I'll find out.

Dad, I'm scared. I wish you were here to tell me it will be okay.

Love always,

--Ty
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When Is It Time? [Sep. 4th, 2005|06:53 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Aerosmith--Amazing]

Ka--

So I was telling Ty all about this class I'm taking "gay and lesbian lit." and I told him that about 85% of the class is gay. So Ty says to me, "That should make it easy to find a boyfriend."

But do I want a boyfriend?

I mean, Daniel ran off and got together with what's his name so fast...I don't want to be like that. I want to make sure that relationship is properly laid to rest before I move onto a new one.

But how do you know when you're ready? It's not like a little light switches on inside or something that says, "Hello! Start datting!" It's much more complacated than that.

And maybe I *am* ready...but that doesn't mean I *want* a boyfriend. Maybe I just want to be single for a while. I haven't truely been single in years. That used to be such a cool thing to say. "I've been with Daniel for so-and-so years," now it just sounds like I've wasted my life for those years. I'm starting completly over. And it sucks.

But, on the lighter side...my prof. in g&l lit is HOT! Guess I'm ready to start noticing guys again, huh?

--Ka
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Gonna Go Have Some Fun [Sep. 4th, 2005|12:12 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |The Eagles--One Of These Nights]

Daniel--

We have Labor Day off, which is good 'cause I really need to grade these papers. Jeff got finished with his latest project at work so he's taking some time off. And of course that means he wants to spend every waking moment with me. Which is nice. Until you want to do something that doesn't involve Jeff.

He's just so clingy. I mean, I care about him a lot. A whole lot. But I just don't want to be around him ALL the time. Most of the time, sure. But I mean, if he had his way he'd go with me when I go to take a crap.

I'd like to sleep in my own bed one night this week. I've been spending so much time at his apartment that it's almost silly that I pay rent at mine. Jeff just says he likes his bed better than mine. Whatever. I don't know.

Well, you-know-who is calling me to bed. It's nice that someone cares so much about me...but damn! I saw him all freaking day!

Although...he is alfully sexy at night when he sleeps in his boxers...

::runs to bedroom to have some "fun"::

--Daniel
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How We Met [Sep. 3rd, 2005|11:23 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[Current Music |Three Dog Night--Black and White]

Ron--

The past few days have been very odd indeed. For one, Ty and I just found out that his father was gay and was having an affiar with a man while with his mother. Huh? Yeah. Then we find out that his dad (his name's Peter btw) didn't die of cancer like his mom told him and his sisters...but he had AIDS. Goodness.

It's all a bit messed up right now at the Cambell house. Ty's been walking around in a fog and I'm just not sure what to say to him.

Today was a bit different though. Ty, Ka and myself drove over to Salem (where Jack lives--Jack = Peter's lover) and met up with Jack and went antiqueing. It was a lot of fun actually. Ty and Ka had a chance to hang out while Jack and I had a chance to talk one on one.

It's funny...I've never noticed what I miss by not talking to people my own age. Then I meet Jack and it's like a whole new way of talking opened up. He could relate to things that no one else I talk to (lately anyway--I do have friends my own age in my hometown...) seems to be able to do.

We talked a lot today over lunch about the AIDS crises back in the '80s. We both lived through it and managed to survive. But we each lost someone very important to us in it. I lost many people, actually. Too many to think about really. Jack really only lost Peter. But that's enough. As much as Ka and Daniel at the time went through what I was going through when I lost Tony, they didn't know really how I felt. Jack does 'cause he lost Peter the same way. And then Ty tries to understand, but he never lost anyone to AIDS (well, his father...but we just found that out...). It's a bit complicated.

Jack and I also talked about what it's like for me to be with someone so much younger than myself. He was so interested in it. So I told him the whole story of how we met. Have I told that story on here? Well, I will now:

I was working at Tony's (that's the resturant Tony and I opened a long time ago now) and I was being real "hands on" with everything 'cause I was still getting over losing Tony. I became a workaholic 'cause when I stoped working I was just completly devistated.

Well, one day this kid comes in. He was only 20 at the time (God! So young!) and I had to check his ID, which of course said he was under 21, so I couldn't serve him at the bar...and we talked a little. And I thought nothing of it. That is until he came in again, and again. And he kept sitting in my section which was near the bar. I thought it was kind of odd.

Then one night we were closing and this kid was still sitting there. He was all alone, it was a Saturday night, I thought it was strange. So I sat down across from him and said, "Shouldn't you be out partying?"

And he said, "I hate partying." I don't really remember the rest of the conversation...but something just struck a cord with me. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. Probably 'cause I didn't want to. He had opened me up. Not in what I was telling him, but in how I was feeling. I hadn't met anyone new lately at that point. And I hadn't really talked to anyone that I did know. I was really shut off, but when I met Ty I was instantly able to talk to him.

He continued comeing by and we continued to talk. Then one night he asked if I wanted to go out somewhere, grab some coffee. I actually turned him down. It just didn't seem right to me for a 45 year old man to go out with a 20 year old boy. But he was so damn persistant! So, I caved in and we had coffee like three nights in a row.

And as they say the rest is history! I could go on forever about Ty and our first few weeks together. They were so scary and so...what's the word...careful. I didn't want to do anything 'cause I was afraid I would be robbing the craddle. And on top of that I felt that I was being disloyal to Tony (even though he'd been gone nearly 2 1/2 years by then). But Ty was so pationt with me. So...sweet. He brought me out of my shell. He was (and is) so much older than he seems...in a good way of course.

He's the love of my life. He saved me from a time when I was emotionaly dead. I couldn't have pulled through that time without him. I mean, before we got romanticly involved we were friends for a while. And he pulled me out of my shell, like I said. I was able to open up to him about my feelings about Tony and how I felt dead inside. I couldn't do that with Ka or Daniel 'cause they knew him too, and they lived (at the time) so far away.

Okay...I've gone on enough. I'm tired, and my sweetness is waiting for me in the bedroom....

--Ron
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Dinner With Jack [Sep. 2nd, 2005|03:25 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |indescribableindescribable]
[Current Music |Guster--Jesus On The Radio]

Ty--

Sorry I didn't update last night or the night before. I was just tired and had other things to do and yadda yadda yadda.

But about dinner with Jack:

We got to his house, which is in the next county over so it was about a 45 minute drive, and he was still busy cooking. So Ron and I sat on the couch in the living room and were just like, "um...okay...what do we do?" Ron made us stop at a Kroger on the way there so we could pick up a cake for desert. I didn't understand the need to do that, but Ron said that Jack was from the same generation as he is so he was sure he'd apprecate it. Which, I'm glad to say, he did.

Anyway, so we're sitting on the couch kinda twiddling our thumbs when I notice a picture frame with a picture of my dad in it on the mantel. I thought this was kind of odd. I mean, Jack said they were friends, but...I don't know...it just seemed weird. So I stood up and had a closer look at it, and when I did I saw there was a smaller frame behind it with another picture of my dad. I picked that one up and noticed that Jack was in the picture, with his arm around my father. This freaked me out. I showed the picture to Ron and Ron was like, "Ask him about it" but I couldn't...it was too akward.

So we finally sat down to dinner and Ron and Jack were talking about Ron's resturant and random stuff and I was just sitting there boilling with questions until finally I just blurted out: "How did you know my dad? I mean, really? I need to know."

Jack sighed, put his hands to his face and removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. And then he said, "I saw you looking at the pictures on the mantel. What do you think they mean?"

And I replied, "I haven't a clue...that's why I'm here." I was getting a bit angry and Ron put his hand on my leg to try and calm me down.

Jack then said, "Think about it Tyler. Why would a friend keep a picture of their dead friend this long in their house? Why would a man keep a picture of another man in his house?" He paused and then said, "It's so obviouse you just don't see it."

I just sat there with my head down looking at my plate of food. It just couldn't be what he was getting at...could it?

Ron then spoke up: "You were lovers, weren't you?" Ron always has a knack of being blunt when I can't find words.

And Jack said, "Yes we were," so calmly it almost didn't register.

I looked up from the table, with tears in my eyes and said, "My dad was gay?" They weren't tears 'cause I was upset. They were tears at the fact that I never knew this about my dad, and if I had......what would have happened?

"Does that upset you?" Jack asked me. I shook my head no. I said it explained a lot of things from my past. Then something clicked in my head: the cancer, mom taking him aways when he was dying, never seeing him after he left. I finally said, "He had AIDS and you took care of him."

Jack knoded.

My dad died of the same thing that will one day kill me.

We talked for over 2 hours that night. I discovered a lot of things that night about my dad. And my mom for that matter. My dad was so distraught about being gay he tried to cure himself by marrying my mother and having children. But he couldn't "resist his temptations" as he called them. He was "with" Jack, but it was on again/off again, and during the off peirods he would go and do annonoymus things with annonoymus people. That's how he contracted the virus.

When it was obviouse he was sick mom didn't want him in the house. It was the '80s after all and no one really, truely knew how you got AIDS, and mom was afraid he'd give it to us kids. He also confided in her the way he contracted the disease and about his relationship with Jack (which was at this time back on).

She kicked him out of the house.

He went to Jack's where he staied until he died. Jack told me he was a broken man because he couldn't see his kids. He felt that god was punishing him for all the sins he'd commited.

Jack tried to persuade my dad that this wasn't true. That they weren't sinning. But my dad just didn't want to hear it I guess.

I don't know what else to say right now. Typing this all out just made it so much more real to me.

To know my dad was so tourtured by his feelings and by the things he did...the things I do every day and don't think anything of...just kills me inside.

I wish I could talk to him right now. I wish he could see me and know that it's okay.

--Ty
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Missunderstanding [Sep. 1st, 2005|10:33 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |hungryhungry]
[Current Music |Everclear--Out Of My Depth]

Ka--

I think some people got the wrong impression of when I was talking about Ty last time. He's not...I repeat...not on his death bed. It's just something about AIDS...sometimes you get completly better, other times you just drop to a lower rung on the ladder. Ty just droped to a lower rung. Not the lowest, or even close...just lower than we're all used to him being. I just wanted to clear that up.

As for me...same old same old. Nothing really new to report. Ty and Ron had dinner with "mystery man" last night. They got home late and went straight to bed. And today I got up and left for school before they were up. And now I'm taking a break from homework...I haven't heard what happened last night yet. I will eventually I'm sure.

Um, so yeah....I've got to get back to my homwork. :O( Just wanted to clear all that up.

--Ka
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You Don't Know Jack [Aug. 31st, 2005|12:07 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |David Gray--The Other Side]

Ty--

So I'm sure you're all wondering if I called that guy or not. Well, I talked over it with Ron that night and we decided that I should call him. I did, but he wasn't home at the time. He called me back later and we talked for a while.

Not about anything speciffic really. I don't really know much about how he knew my dad or whatever. It was mostly him asking me questions. In passing I meantioned that I was gay. (I think he asked me if I had a girlfriend or something, and of course I always answer that question with "no, but I have a boyfriend") and he said he was surprised, but didn't say why. Then he told me that he had had a partner but he had passed away during the AIDS epidemic. So I do know that little bit about him.

Which is kind of funny. Turns out my dad had a gay friend, and all these years after my dad passed away and after I realzied I was gay I always wondered how he would have taken it if he knew. My mom, when I told her a few years ago, said something to the effect of "I had a feeling this was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier". I don't think my mom's ever known a gay person...at least if she does or did she never talks about him or her. But I guess my dad would have been more understanding...which makes me feel better. But it also makes me really sad that I never told him. Not that I hid it from him; I just didn't know to tell him. ::sigh:: If he were alive now I'm sure he'd support myself and Ron. And that just eases my mind a bit. I wouldn't've been a "disapointment" to him like I seem to be to my mom.

As for Jack, I'm thinking that maybe they worked together. My dad worked in a bank. He was a teller. Jack could have worked at the same branch or something.

But I'm going to find out. Ron and I have been invited to his house for dinner. He said he has some pictures of my dad that he'd like to give me. I'm guessing that, if he does know him from work, that the pictures are work related...but dad didn't like getting his picture taken so I don't have very many pictures of him, so it'd be nice to have some. I'm a bit nervouse about dinner. I mean I don't really know who this guy is yet. Just that he's gay, and he knew my dad. Oh, I also know that he's unemployed at the moment. Dinner's going to be tonight...so if I'm not too tired when I get home from that I'll post an update.

--Ty
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Is He Giving Up? [Aug. 31st, 2005|11:56 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[Current Music |Tom Petty--Even The Losers]

Ka--

So school is in full swing. Yippie. Actually, no. It's no where close to "yippie". I was supposed to have a class with Ty this samester, but see, he's decided that he's going to quit school so he can spend more time with Ron before he (Ty) dies. Of course, these were not his exact words...but that was the jist.

Over the past month Ty's been really sick. And he's finally gotten "better". Not back to his old self, but acorrding to Ty, as good as he'll ever be again. He says he doesn't see a point in going to school for his masters if he's not going to be alive to use it. I told him he's just giving up.

He made some good points. That he wants to spend time with Ron for example. I understand that. But I don't think he should completly give up on school becasue one day he's going to die. I mean, everyones going to die eventually, right?

It's up to him, and maybe I'm just upset 'cause now I'm alone on the campus. I have a few friends in the lit. club I'm in...but I really only see them once a week. ::sigh:: Part of me is afraid that if Ty gives up school (which he already has) his life will lose purpose. I mean, Ron is retired after all. They told me they're going to do a lot of traveling. Do everything they've always wanted to do. Ron's going through a mid-life crises and in a sense so is Ty.

In other news...school's going okay. My classes have me reading a ton. Literally, if you weighed all the stuff I had to read I'm sure it would weigh a ton. Or posibbly more.

In terms of Daniel...haven't spoken to him, but I've heard from Ty that he's seeing someone. I'm not surprised by this. He could never be single. When we broke up the first time he went straight to Joe. He's just afraid of being alone...which could be one reason we stayed together for so long...if that's true that would make me sad.

Well, I need to get back to my reading.

--Ka
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The Letter [Aug. 29th, 2005|05:01 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |nervousnervous]
[Current Music |The Darkness--Love On The Rocks With No Ice]

Ty--

Okay, I know I just posted not too long ago...but the weirdest...I mean WEIRDEST (can't stress that enough) thing just happened. I almost didn't post this 'cause I still don't know the whole story...but I figured I'll just tell you what I know so far:

I was sitting in the kitchen eatting some dinner and going through the mail. There was a letter addressed to me from someone I didn't know. I opened it (figuring no one I could think of would be sending me athrax) and inside was a letter. To get the full effect of the letter I'm going to type it word for word:

Dear Tyler,

I'm sure you don't remember me. We only meet once and you were only about three. But I feel the need to talk with you. My name is Jack and I was a very close personal friend of your father. I'm sure he never meantioned me to you though, 'cause it would have opened a whole can of worms. Anyway, I was recently talking with your mother and I came to realize that you don't know the real cause of your father's death back in '92. When I learned of this I was stunned. This is something you should know. And then as I continued to talk to your mother I learned that it's even more important that you learn of how your father died. I would like to meet with you, perhaps. I know this is very vague. But I'm afraid if I put all the details in this letter you won't belive me. I feel it's my duty as your father's friend to let you know what happened back then. Please reply...if only to let me know you got the letter...

Sincerly,
Jack Patterson

Okay...yeah, a bit vague. So I imediditly called my mom and she wouldn't tell me a damn thing. I said to her that I thought dad had cancer and she said he did. And then she went on to say that this Jack person was nothing and a crazy man with a head full of nonsense ideas and views. But when she was telling me this her voice was shaking. It scared me. I don't know what the hell is going on. Jack left his phone number in the letter...I don't know if I should call him or not. It's just so bizarre...and strange...and a bit scary.

I mean, I never knew my father that well, but he never meantioned anyone named Jack. Maybe this guy is a loon. Or maybe there's something about my dad that I don't know. I mean I'm sure there's a ton of stuff about my dad I don't know...but the way he died...that seems pretty important.

I was 13 when dad died. My mom put him in a cancer hospital where she said he'd get the best treatment. She never took me or my sisters to see him though, saying that she wanted us to remember him the way he was and not the way he became. She visited him though. At least she told us she did.

I know I'm jumping to conclusions...but I don't know what to make of this. Was he....killed by someone?? I know that can't be true...but if it wasn't cancer, then what was it? A car wreak? But I saw my dad before he went of to the hospital and he seemed sick. Very thin and yellow. I have no idea what I'm going to do...

--Ty
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Long Time No See [Aug. 29th, 2005|02:26 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |rushedrushed]
[Current Music |Barenaked Ladies--Unfinished]

Daniel--

Been a while huh? Sorry about that. I've just been so busy...getting ready for school...getting the apartment in order...and of course Jeff. Yeah, we're kind of seriouse now. We made it offical at least. Offical meaning that we are indeed datting. Some people think it's too soon since Ka...but you can plan when you meet a great guy, can you? We just mesh so well. I don't know if I'll spend the rest of my life with him...but I want to spend time enough to find out :O)

School started last week. My classes seem okay, a little large...but I'll manage. So far everyone's pretty much behaived themesleves. I'm teaching 2 Freshmen English classes, 2 Jr. English classes and one Honors Sophomor class. Each class has a bright spot. I'll tell you more about that later. Right now I'm in the teachers lounge during lunch, and I need to eat *something* before I go back to class!

--Daniel
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New Developments [Aug. 29th, 2005|02:15 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]
[Current Music |Everclear--All F**ked Up]

Ty--

It's been such a long time since I updated...but I have a good reason. I was really sick for the past...well I guess it was the past month. I mean it was serieouse. I was in the hospital a good amount of time, and then we hired a nurse to come by every day to change my IV and stuff so I could go home. I've finally gotten stable...but I'm not back to my old self. The doctor said that this is just the way it goes. I'm at a new era of my disease. It's doubtfull that I'll ever be 100% healthy again.

You'd think I'd be upset by all this. And, well, deep down I am. But Ron and I decided something. I'm not going back to school this fall. (If I was I'd be there right now) Instead Ron and I are going to spend as much time together and travel as much as we can until...well, until it's imposible for me to travel I guess. That could be many years from now, or it could be a month. We don't really know. And it's true that traveling could wear me out even more, but I'd rather die sooner by doing what I want to do than live longer and just sit in a hospital bed my whole life.

Ron and I had a long talk about all this. At first he felt that I was "giving up" by not finishing grad school. But I told him what good would my masters be if I'm not alive to use it? I'd rather not stress over grades and papers and miss seeing Ron. I'd rather do the opposite. And so that's what we decided.

Ka's not very happy about this development. We had a couple classes together and we were going to car pool. And now he'll be going to school on his own and he'll be at the house alone a lot of the time since Ron and I will be gone. But I can't worry about Ka...I have to worry about myself and do what I need to do. I don't know how much time I have here. I want to take advantage of the time I do have. And spend it with the man I love. He's most important. And I believe that's the way it should be.

--Ty
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Where Have I Been?? [Aug. 10th, 2005|12:37 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
Author--

Where The Hell Have I Been?  Not Telling :O)  But I'll Be Back At The End Of August!
--Author
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Is This Weird? [Jul. 12th, 2005|11:24 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[Current Music |Queen--Tie Your Mother Down]

Daniel--

Jeff came over last night and we slept in my bed again. We don't do anything like that...we just sleep.

I asked him last night if what we were doing was weird and he said that we aren't doing anything so how could anything be weird? I guess he had a point. I don't know. I like having someone to talk to until I fall asleep. And someone to wake up next to...

I mean we don't touch each other in bed in any way. I'm on my side and he's on his. It's so strange to me. I've never had a friendship like this...Jeff's a little younger than me...he's 28, I'm 31. Not that that matters. I mean look at Ron and Ty. But they're dating and Jeff and I are just friends.

He's a real cool guy though. Glad I met him. He's on his way over btw so I should go and clean a bit before he...oh someone just knocked on the door...bet that's him. I'll see ya'll later!

--Daniel
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Leaving Tomorrow [Jul. 12th, 2005|07:12 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]
[Current Music |David Gray--New Horizons]

Ka--

So I'm all set. I called my friend Ace and he said that of course I could come visit for a while. So, I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not sure when I'm coming back! :OP I mean, I know I'll be back, but I might stay a couple days, or I might stay a week. Haven't decided yet. I'm driving (it's about a 5 hour drive) so I can decide when I want to leave. If I'm having a real good time I'll stay a while. We'll just have to see I guess.

Daniel hasn't called since he moved out. I don't know why I'm surprised by this...did I really expect him to call? And if he was to call what would I have to say to him? I haven't a clue. But I miss his voice. I've filled up his side of the bed with pillows so it doesn't feel so empty and when I roll over at night I feel the pillows next to me and I think it's him. Until I wake up, and then I know it's not.

Ty and Ron went out a little while ago. They went shopping or something...I don't remember. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I said I didn't. I sorta did though...I just didn't want to be a third wheel. I know they're my friends, and I can hang out with them each one on one, but it's hard to hang out with both of them together 'cause, well, like I said, I feel like a third wheel. I bet it's all in my head though. 'Cause I mean there are times when they go out and they don't invite me, so those would be times that if I had gone with them I would have been a third wheel. Bah! I should have gone with them I guess. I've got nothing to do here...well, no that's a lie. I need to do laundry so I can pack.

So I guess I'm off to do laundry :O/

--Ka
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New Friends [Jul. 11th, 2005|02:58 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |jubilantjubilant]
[Current Music |Green Day--Uptight]

Daniel--

The apartment here is pretty cool. It's in a nice area of town...kind of expensive...but I managed to get the money together and put down a deposit and first months rent and all that shit. So it's coming along nicely. I still need some furniture...like a couch...Ka has our couch, and he can keep it. I'm not going to start some shit over whose stuff is whose. I'd like to mend things with Ka enough to be friends at some point...probably won't be for a long while...but one day would be nice.

I'm still going to Triangles quite a bit. I met some guys there who are all pretty cool and one of them, Jeff, lives in the same apartment complex. See, Triangles is real close to where I'm living...like I can walk there...so the fact that Jeff lives there isn't that big of a coincidence.

Jeff's been coming over a lot lately too. We're just friends...trust me. I mean, he did sleep in my bed with me one night...but we didn't sleep together. We had some drinks and we ended up sitting in my bed talking, since I don't really have any place else to sit right now :O/ and he just kinda fell asleep, so I curled up on the other side of the bed and slept too.

It was funny though in the morning, he woke up and nudged me and had this panicky look on his face and said, "Did we?" and I just had to laugh 'cause I knew he was drunk and I could have told him anything and he'd believe me, but I told him the truth and he was all like, "Thank god". He said he didn't want to screw up our friendship by doing something stupid, and he's known for doing stupid things when he's drunk.

Last month's summer classes are over, and we're starting up July's on Tuesday. I don't know why they don't start on Monday, but whatever. So I get a whole new bunch of kids. Whoopee! If you stop and think about it, it really isn't fair the way the school sets summer school up. If they fail or want to "skip" PE for example they just have to take it for one month over the summer...but the kids that take it regularly during the school year are stuck taking it all year long. It just doesn't make much sense. Of course, with the other subjects one class lasts through both June and July, but that's still only two months instead of the whole school year.

But I'm sure you really needed to know all that shit...so I'm going to go for now. Think I'll call Jeff and see what he's up to. It's pretty cool to have someone living this close that's fun to hang with.

--Daniel
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5 Years [Jul. 8th, 2005|02:20 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
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[Current Mood |lovedloved]
[Current Music |Rufus Wainwright--11:11]

Ty--

So yesterday was me and Ron's five year. Can't believe it really. I mean, five years ago I was only 20. I've changed a lot...and I guess so has Ron. But I think I've done the most changing.

I cooked him dinner last night. Can you believe it? I cooked my husband dinner...the guy who owns a freaking restaurant! He said it was good and that I should cook more often. I told him the difference between him and me is that I follow recipies, he invents them. I don't know if he really liked it or if he was just saying it...but he did have seconds...so, who knows.

Ka was nice and went out last night so we could have some time alone. I think he went shopping. He always does that when he's depressed. Better than drinking, which he used to do. So I say, "Shop till you drop, man!"

Other than that we had a pretty quiet night at home. Dinner, and then some fun, if you catch my drift ;O) We don't normally buy each other things for anniversaries and stuff...that's why I did dinner...you can't really take Ron out to dinner he works (or did work) at a restaurant for a living and he never could relax when out to dinner. He's always thinking of ways to make his place better based on what he was seeing at the restaurant...or stuff like that...

Okay, I'm rambling now big time. See ya'll later!

--Ty
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Maybe a Trip Would Help... [Jul. 4th, 2005|11:05 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]
[Current Music |Hole--Playing Your Song]

Ka--

Yup...haven't posted in a while again. Nothing new to say. I'm just going day to day not doing much of anything. Ty wants to take me out to some bars and stuff so I could "meet someone" but I don't want to meet someone. I want Daniel...the old Daniel...the one who loved me, not the one who leaves me.

Okay...it's ll:00 in the morning and someone is shoothing off fireworks...hum.

Sorry...I just...I don't know...I want school to start up again, it'll give me some purpose. I should have taken a summer class...but then I thought I was going to be spending a lot of time with Daniel this summer. Humff.

I'm thinking of taking a trip to visit my friend Ace...yes that's his real name. I haven't seen him in a while and him and his wife said I'm always welcome to visit. Plus his daughter is almost four and I haven't seen her in a while either. I knew Ace back in high school and we've tried to keep in touch. It's been kind of on and off lately, him with a kid and all. But we call each other once a month or so. Sometimes more if it's important. So I think I'm going to give him a call and see what's going on and when a good time to visit would be. The more I think about it the more I want to do that. Get away from here for a while. Maybe a week or so. Yeah, that'd be nice.

--Ka
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My New Life [Jul. 2nd, 2005|08:26 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |energeticenergetic]
[Current Music |Elton John--The Wasteland]

Daniel--

Well, you're probably wondering why I haven't updated in a while. I've been super busy! I finally found an apartment I like and I'm useing the long weekend to move it. Donny and Ty are helping me move. Ty said that Ron couldn't help 'cause of his arthritis...which could be completly legit, but I bet the real reason is that he's still mad at me. Which is fine I guess. If he wants to be mad about something that's none of his bussness that's up to him.

Also I've been going down to Triangles a lot lately. That's this gay club here in town. I'm not trying to hook up with anyone...not yet. I'd just like to make some friends. Now that I'm not with Ka it'll be a little akward to hang out with Ty and Ron...espessolly Ron.

And then there's school. It's been going fine. Pretty uneventfull really. We're doing baseball right now. Fun stuff.

Well, I need to go and pack up some more stuff. I have to go back over to Ron and Ty's and get some of my stuff that I left over there to. I've got stuff scatered everywhere!

--Danile
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Can't Help It [Jun. 29th, 2005|08:32 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |cynicalcynical]
[Current Music |David Gray--Sail Away]

Ron--

So I'm sure you all want to know how retirement is going. Well I'd really like to know too :O/ I've been "retired" for, I guess it's been a little over a week, and I'm still doing so much 'cause the guy I put in charge calls me all the time with questions. I guess that's normal for a transition period, but it's still annoying. And I know I should have never given him my cell phone number!

Anyway, Daniel called today. I didn't talk to him much 'cause...well, basically I didn't want to. I gave the phone to Ty after about a minute...I have nothing to say to him really. You don't treat a person the way Daniel treated Ka. And so I'd just rather not speak to him right now.

Ty says I shouldn't choose sides...and maybe he's right...but I feels so strongly about this I just can't help it.

--Ron
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Kelly's Coming Home [Jun. 29th, 2005|01:39 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Pet Shop Boys--It Must Be Obvious]

Daniel--

So Kelly comes home tomorrow. She was supposed to be back a lot earlier than this but her mom got sick so she stayed to help her dad take care of her and stuff. Fine with me. The less I see of Kelly the better. I'm not glad that her mom got sick...but having her gone this week was great 'cause I got to hang out with Amanda and Emily. I took them to the park the other day. Amanda wrote in her journal and Emily played on the equipment and stuff. It was fun. And then the four of us (Donny came too) all went out to dinner.

I have been looking for apartments by the way. I just haven't found any I really like yet. The big problem is I don't have a lot of money put away just yet 'cause of all the moving I've been doing lately. Once the actual school year starts I'll have the money I need to move...but that's still two months away.

I know Donny told me I could stay with them as long as I need to, but when Kelly's home I really don't feel that welcome here. I mean she kind of runs the house and everything so I feel like I'm intruding. When she's home I just stay in the guest room which luckily has a computer, and keep to myself.

I haven't talked to Ron or Ty lately either. I'd like to, but I'm not sure what they think of me right now. Well, I think I know how Ron feels. I think he's pretty pissed off at me for "leaving Ka". What he doesn't understand is that it was pretty much a mutual decision. At least that's how I took it. Maybe I'll call them later and see if they'd like to get some dinner. At least maybe Ty. I'd hate to lose all my friends because of this.

--Daniel
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Parinod [Jun. 25th, 2005|01:28 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |okayokay]
[Current Music |Billy Joel--Laura]

Ty--

I just feel blah today. Maybe the mono isn't as gone as I thought it was...maybe I'm just in a blah mood for no reason. It sucks that everytime I feel "sick" or bad, or not right I get all parinod thinking "this is it...this could be the big one!" Meaning I'll have to go into the hospital and not come out...that's just me being morbid I guess. But I really never do know. I try and stay healthy...but I don't make it like my whole life. I don't want my every waking moment to be being parionod of getting sick. I just don't want to live that way. So I just go on day to day, and when I feel bad, I give it a few days. If it doesn't go away...then I'll worry. The system's worked for me so far. :O/

--Ty
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Evil Stares...It Could Be Worse [Jun. 24th, 2005|11:26 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]
[Current Music |Elton John--Lies]

Ron--

Went to Bed Bath and Beyond today with Ty. We're looking for new sheets for our bed. How exciting. But while we were there Ty reached over to and held my hand as we were walking around. And of course I held it back, 'cause I just wasn't thinking about anything. You know what I mean? I was just at the store with my baby and it felt natural to hold hands, so we did. No big deal, right?

Well, this woman and her kid were standing near us looking at something. Well, the kid (who was like 7 or something) was stairing at me and Ty, no problem...kids stair at lots of stuff. So I did what I normally do when I see a kid, I waved at him and said "hi". Well, the mom heard me and turned around to see what was going on and imediatly grabed her kids hand and walked (quickly) in the other direction.

Who knows, she could have just not liked the fact that some stranger was waving and talking to her son, but I have a feeling that it had to do with the fact that I was holding another man's hand.

It's just annoying that people are still that closed minded. But I'm not going to go on and on about how wrong the world is. I'm old enough to know that the world has infact changed a lot. Just the fact that we didn't get thrown out of the store, or shot at or something is saying something. So I'm just going to leave it at she was just a closed minded idiot. The end.

--Ron
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What's The Point? [Jun. 24th, 2005|04:39 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |Collective Soul--Skin]

Ka--

I know, I know. I haven't posted in a while, and no, I haven't been busy or anything. I've just been, well, deppressed. And it's not really over Daniel 'cause I don't really miss him since right before he left he was actting like an ass hole. I'm deppressed over my life in general. Much better huh?

What I mean is that a year ago I had my life all planed out and it was, well, not perfict...but near to it. I had a man who loved me and I loved back, I was reunited with my son and he had a baby on the way, I was going to school with a plan...an idea at least. And now it just seems to have all gone to hell. I'm living in the basement of my best friends' house for one thing. I still have my granddaughter and my son...that's all still well. But school...I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Before the plan was Daniel was going to teach and I'd be able to be a struggling author. Now I'll have to be a struggling author without the back up support of Daniel's job.

I don't know if I'm explaining this right. It's all so jumbled up in my head right now anyway. Basically, how am I going to support myself now that Daniel's gone? I mean, the grocery store can't do it all. Not unless I got a supper fat raise, and even then it'd be a strech. I'm 36 years old and I have no plan any more. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how to go about it. I can't live off of Ron and Ty forever. Even though I know they'd let me, I just couldn't do that with a clean conscience.

I normally get like this over the summer anyway: wondering if I've made the right decisons with my life and stuff...but this summer is just worse than normal. Like I haven't been writing like I used to. It's not that I have writer's block...I've got a tone of ideas, it's just that I don't have the motivation right now. What's the point, you know? It'll never get published anyway. ::sigh:: I'm just driving myself deeper and deeper into a hole. I think I'm going to shut up before I get to the point where I start to cry.

--Ka
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A Conversation Is A Good Start [Jun. 23rd, 2005|07:53 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

Daniel--

Things here at Donny's house have gotten slightly better. I say only slightly 'cause 1) Kelly had to go out of town to see her mother for the weekend and 2) Amanda (that's their oldest kid--she's 12) came into the den where I was working on some school stuff and started talking to me. I think she was talking to me 'cause her mom's gone. But it was still cool. She just started with normal stuff, like "how was you day" and shit like that, and then she asked me, "so...are you really...gay?" It kinda threw me for a moment 'cause we were just having a normal chat and then all of a sudden BAM! But I handled it well, I think.

We had talked a little before her mom went out of town, a few days ago, and I think Kelly got mad at her about it, 'cause when she saw that Amanda was in the same room as me she quickly told Amanda to come and talk to her. Bah! It's so stupid. But today I talked to Amanda and told her that yes I am gay and that just opened up a flood wall! She had so many questions about what it means and what I do (not in a sexual way--she just wanted to know if I do everyday stuff differently) and stuff like that. She was really curiouse. It was kinda cute.

Then later after we had our little conversation, she and her sister Emily were about to play Monopoly and Amanda asked me if I wanted to play too. I was actually busy at the time, but I stopped what I was doing so I could play with them...I really want to get to know my nieces. And the fact that I'm gay shouldn't prevent me from getting to know them. I mean, I'm their uncle! And I definitly don't want them to think that it's me who doesn't want to get to know them. Not that I'm going to rat on their mom, but I want them to know that I'm trying.

--Daniel
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The Zoo [Jun. 22nd, 2005|10:26 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |surprisedsurprised]
[Current Music |Blue Traveler--Pretty Angrey]

Ty--

So yesterday Ron and I went to the zoo. After I went with Ka and Chad and all them I realized that I had forgotten how much I love the zoo. So I persuaded Ron to come with me. Now that he's retiring he'll need a hobby or something to keep him occupied...espesolly once my school starts up again.

So we got a year pass to the zoo. But you want to hear the cool part? We were actually able to get a couples pass. Which is cheaper than getting two single passes. You see, most places only alowe couples passes to married couples, and of course Ron and I can't get married. But I bet we would if we could. Anyway, we talked to the manager or someone like that and he let us get a couples pass! It was pretty nice of the guy.

We got passes to the zoo because, well, for one we could both use the exercise. But espesolly Ron...I'm not saying he's fat or anything...'cause he's not. He's very fit for a 51 year old. The reason he needs the exercise is for his arthritise. We've been hearing on the news about all these studies saying that exercise is the best thing for arthritis...so we're going to try it.

--Ty
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He Can't Stay Long [Jun. 21st, 2005|08:11 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |irritatedirritated]
[Current Music |Counting Crows--Omaha]

Kelly--

Donny's brother has been in our house now for only a few days, and I already want him out. He's influincing the children, I just know he is. Last night I found Amanda talking to him in the den...alone...I pulled her aside later and asked her if he had done anything to her that was...inapropriate. She said of course not, but I just don't know if I can trust him alone with my children. I'm just glad I don't have a son right now. If I did I know there would be no way in hell I would let that pervert into my home.

Donny doesn't know I think this way about his brother. He knows that I don't aprove of his lifestyle, but he doesn't know how pasionite I am about it. I can't tell him, really...I mean it is his brother after all and Donny has an obligation to love him. But that doesn't mean I have to...or Amanda or Emily have to for that matter.

Both my girls are at that real impresionalble age, and I just don't want them infulenced by the wrong things. He can't stay long. I won't let him. I'll talk to Donny.

--Kelly
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Last Night... [Jun. 18th, 2005|12:22 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |Elton John--In Neon]

Ka--

Well, tonight is the first night of many that will be spent alone in my bed. My nice big bed that will feel so empty without Daniel. But I should be used to this, right? I mean he really hadn't been back all that long before he left me again. So it should feel just like before. Not to bad...yeah right.

It would be that way if what happened last night hadn't happened. What happened? I hate to even say it. But it happened so I can't pretend it didn't. We had sex. I don't know why, don't ask...I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to have sex with him. To feel that power one last time...but that doesn't mean we should have...or that he even wanted to. I mean, why would he have wanted to if everything he's been saying about me lately is true? Stuff like I don't do it for him anymore and that he doesn't feel a fire when he kisses me. What would be the point? Why wast all that energy? If it was a favor to me, well, don't bother. Maybe he was just trying to make sure leaving was the right thing to do...but it just made me feel worse. I mean, now I'm going to miss him even more. Damn it. Why'd we have to do that last night?? I was all ready to forget about him, and then that. ::sigh::

But he's gone now, and there's nothing I can do about it. I tried crying for him, I tried begging him, I tried reasoning with him, I even tried reverse psycology with him ("maybe you should go then...") nothing worked. I guess he really does want/need to leave. Too bad I really want/need him to stay.

--Ka
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Moving Day [Jun. 17th, 2005|11:45 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |Queen--Bohemian Rhapsody]

Daniel--

I know, it's getting late and I haven't posted anything yet today. Well, today was the big day. Moving day. Ka wasn't home when I left. I didn't get to say goodbye...I guess it's just as well.

But something happend last night that I'm just not sure about...last night I slept with Ka...and I don't mean just in the same bed...I mean...we had sex...I don't even know why we did, or how it even happened. We were talking about breaking up and how we'd miss each other dispite everything that's going on...and we started making out...it started just with one kiss. I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. Then, well, one thing led to another and well...yeah. Hum. Maybe that's why I didn't see him at all today...or maybe ever again.

But life at my brother's is proving more uncomfertable than I thought it would. Kelly hasn't said one word to me since I've been here. And the kids...well, they just keep stairing at me as though I have two heads or something. Maybe in a few days I'll pull them over and talk to them...although that might piss Kelly off...although I think anything I do at this point will piss Kelly off. So I might as well piss her off while doing something constructive.

Well, I need to unpack a bit before I go to bed.

--Daniel
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Drama [Jun. 16th, 2005|09:39 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |contentcontent]
[Current Music |Harry Chapin--There Only Was One Choice]

Ron--

I never wanted all this drama in my life. Honestly. I thought that with Ka moving in things would be easier. I don't know why I thought that. I mean, when we lived apart I only had to deal with me and Ty issues. And only occasonally I had to deal with Ka. Like when it was real important or he was really stressed out. The point is that I didn't have to deal with him 24/7 like I do now.

Maybe things will get better once Daniel moves out. Although some how I doubt it. Daniel just causes drama. I mean, if he knew he was going to leave again, why did he come back in the first place? He's really on my shit list right now too. I mean, Ka's my friend and you don't treat my friends the way Daniel's been treating Ka. All this yo-yo crap.

I know I shouldn't take sides since they're both my friends, but I've just lost a lot of respect for Daniel. First he leaves Ka. Then he has an affair with some guy. Then he comes back for Ka. Then he leaves him again. I just don't get it.

In other news I've decided to semi-retire. The reason? I just can't do it all any more. I get home from Artie's so tired I just go straight to bed...which isn't that bad of an idea since I don't get home till real late some nights. But I hardly get to see Ty any more. These past few weeks we've seen a lot of each other since he was sick, but that wasn't really quaility time. It was mostly him sleeping and me literally "seeing" him. He seems to be doing a lot better lately though. All that rest did him some good I guess.

But back to my retireing. I just have to find someone who can take over the day to day operations...someone I can trust. I'm still going to be the owner and everything...I just don't want to be head chef and manager any more. All three of those titles are just too much. I already know who's going to be head chef. It's going to be Lenny. He's a great guy with lots of experience and he helped me a lot with the menu at the beginning of this whole thing.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'm going to make the announcment at the staff meeting on Monday...tomorrow I'm pulling Lenny aside and giving him the good news.

--Ron
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Why Is This Day Unlike All The Others? [Jun. 16th, 2005|03:17 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |crankycranky]
[Current Music |Guster--Ramona]

Ka--

Well, it's offical. Daniel is moving out tomorrow. He's moving in temporarlly with his brother and his family until he finds a place of his own.

He's been telling me all this crap about how this breaking up is more than just a baby issue. Like, he's saying I've changed or that he's changed and he doesn't see what he used to see in me or some shit like that. He says it's just gotten boreing. Well love isn't ment to always be exciting. Espesolly after ten years. Things get comfertable. Which is how I am...but Daniel doesn't see it as "comfertable" he sees it as "boreing".

He slept in our bed last night...I'm going to miss him so much. Or am I just going to miss having someone? I don't know...right now, the way he's been actting this past week, I'm not going to miss that. He's been all grumpy and on edge. I guess I have too though.

I wish I had something new to say about this whole thing, but I don't. Tonight's our last night together...I don't know what we're supposed to do. Do we celebrate? Do we treat it like any other day? Do we completly ignore each other? I don't know. I'd like to celebrate. Not the fact that we're breaking up...but celebrate our relationship and what we had. But that might be weird. He says he'll always have a place for me in his heart...but don't they all say that?

--Ka
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Finding My Own Place [Jun. 15th, 2005|02:47 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |crappycrappy]
[Current Music |Elton John--Skyline Pigeon]

Daniel--

Well, Chad and his family left today. I had to get up early to say good-bye. I don't know if I'll ever see them again.

I talked to Chad last night and he said that he still wants me to be a part of his life, and Danielle's...but I don't know if it'll be appropriate. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear.

I called my brother Donald (he's my twin brother btw...I call him Donny, he calls me Danny)to see if I could stay with him and his family until I find my own place. He said that of course I could...but he had to check with Kelly (that's his wife.) Donny's always been real supportive of me, but Kelly...well, she hasn't. Espesolly after she had her kids. I rarely get to see them 'cause she's afraid of exposing them to the gay life style. It's really a bunch of bull shit. Amanda and Emily are 12 and 10 respectivly and they barely know their uncle 'cause their mother is afraid of me. So Donny's gonna call me back later after he talks to Kelly about the whole thing. I'm sure it'll work out. If I can't stay with them, I'll have to stay here until I find a place and that will be even more awkward than staying at Donny's.

Yeah, it's pretty awkward here right now. Like last night I was planning on sleeping on the couch, but Ka instisted that I sleep in bed with him. So I layed down and he put his arms around me and started kissing me on the back of the neck and stuff and it just felt really rehersed and routine. Like he was just trying to make me stay. It was actually rather annoying.

Now that I've got it in my head that I'm leaving everything about Ka is annoying me. It feels like everything he does is just to make me stay. Like he doesn't even really mean it. Maybe I'm trying too hard not to care.

--Daniel
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My Two Dads [Jun. 14th, 2005|06:36 pm]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |gratefulgrateful]
[Current Music |Pet Shop Boys--Do I Have To?]

Chad--

Got home from dinner with my dad a little while ago. Me and Ashley and Danielle and dad went out for father's day just the four of us. It was nice. I wish Daniel had come, but I understand why he didn't.

After dinner dad and I had a long talk about Daniel. See, he's worried about me 'cause I've gotten real close to Daniel, and even named my daughter after him. And now they're thinking about spliting up...this time for good. I told him it was his decision and not to worry about me. I'll be okay either way. I'd still like to have Daniel in my life...he's been like a second father to me, and growing up without even one dad it's kinda nice to have two now. I mean, when I was reunited with dad a few years ago he was with Daniel, and they've just been like a pair together. When you see one you see the other.

I don't know what the whole point in all of this is. I want my dad to be happy. I guess that's what it boils down to. I mean, I'd love to have a sibbling being an only child it'd be nice...but if he doesn't want another kid I can completly understand that. I did tell dad that he was a good father. He doesn't belive me. I think that's the root of the problem: he feels guilty about not being around when I was a kid. But it wasn't his fault. It was mom's. She never told dad where we were or anything. Dad had to hunt her down to find anything out...she even admited this all to me when Ashely was pregnent. He was a good father because he cared and thought about me even when I wasn't there. But its his life obviously and if he doesn't want a kid then that's his decision.

I bought a father's day card for Daniel too. I try and do little things like that to show that I support them, 'cause I know they're always worring about how I feel about their relationship. I think I'm going to pull Daniel aside in a minute and talk to him too and give him the card. I want him to know that even if he and dad break up I want him to be a part of Danielle's life. We're teaching her to call him Grandpa.

--Chad
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Am I Being Selfish? [Jun. 14th, 2005|03:16 am]
Honorary Gay Man
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |Elton John--Suit of Wolves]

Daniel--

Work was interesting today. I was talking to Denis during lunch (he's one of the only guys at work that I talk to about my personal life) and I told him the whole issue with me and Ka.

He doesn't think I should leave. He says if it's something special and we love each other then we should be able to work it out. I'm just afraid that this whole issue is too big to work out. Am I being selfish?

But I guess I should be honest. It's not just the whole baby issue that's bothering me. Ever since I came back things have just been different between me and Ka. For example, we don't talk any more. And when I kiss him the fire isn't there like it used to be. Maybe it's 'cause we've been together for so long...things just fizzle out. But I don't want to be with someone if there's no fire. Is that too much to ask for? Seriessly is it? I mean do my parents feel like they did when they first met? I doubt it. But is that right? I mean, what is the point of a relationship if you don't feel love anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I love Ka. I love him like you love a member of the family. Because you're supposed to. Because your used to them. Because they're there and you don't want anything bad to happen to them. Because you don't hate them. But I'm afraid that I'm falling out of love.

Sure, we have sex all the time. But it just doesn't feel the same. The reason I'm always on him for sex is because I'm trying to stay connected to him. But it's not working. I can't seem to please him anymore for that matter. When we finish he just rolls over and goes to bed.

When I left I wasn't happy 'cause I didn't have Ka. Now I have him and I'm still not happy. What's wrong with me? I've got what every one wants and I'm not happpy.

It's almost 2 in the morning...I should go to bed...

--Daniel
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